The Intimacy Myth
We’re measuring the wrong thing after baby
Some couples ask it directly, some hide it beneath other questions or leading statements…
“We haven’t had sex in weeks... is that normal?”
“I never initiate anymore.”
“I love my partner, but I don’t feel connected and I don’t want to have sex.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“We feel more like roommates than husband and wife.”
“Will we ever get back to how we used to be?”
But ultimately every couple in therapy (or not) just wants to know: “Are we okay?”
If you’ve found yourself asking any version of these questions, I want to begin by offering a perspective that may feel surprising: I think most couples are measuring the wrong thing.
Many of us have learned that intimacy is measured by how often we’re having sex. So when those things change, we assume something must be wrong. But what if nothing is wrong? What if parenthood simply changes the conditions that intimacy depends on?
Parenthood Changes the Recipe for Intimacy
Think about the version of your relationship before children. You probably had more uninterrupted time together – more sleep, more privacy, more energy, more spontaneity… More opportunities to flirt, linger in conversation, or simply exist beside each other without someone needing a snack, a diaper change, or or asking to read the same picture book for the fiftieth time that day.
Now let’s take a second to think about life after becoming parents… You’re carrying invisible mental loads, you’re navigating new identities, you’re functioning on less sleep, you’re making hundreds of decisions every day, one of you may be adapting to a changing body, and you have less time alone together than you’ve ever had before. Romantic? I think not.
None of these things mean your relationship is broken, but every single one of them changes the environment where intimacy grows. After becoming parents, we hope or maybe even expect intimacy to look the same, while often completely overlooking the fact that almost every ingredient that this recipe relied on has changed.
I say all this hoping to share a realization that brings some relief. If you used to bake cookies using sugar, eggs, butter, and flour… but now your kitchen is stocked with apple sauce pouches, pints of berries, boxed mac and cheese, and breast milk… you’re likely not going to be able to bake the same cookies as before.
Knowing all of this, let’s shift the question from: “what’s wrong with us?”, to: “given everything that’s changed, how do we intentionally create closeness now?”
And that’s a much more hopeful place to begin.
Intimacy Is Bigger Than Sex
When we hear the word intimacy, most of us immediately think about sex. And sex is certainly one expression of intimacy, a fun one at that, but it isn’t the whole picture. Intimacy is really the experience of feeling known, safe, valued, and emotionally connected to another person. It’s built in hundreds of moments that have nothing to do with the bedroom. When couples only measure intimacy by sexual frequency, they miss all the other ways connection is created. So let’s talk about the other ways we build intimacy and feel close (and I have a feeling more of these parts of intimacy will also support an increase in physical intimacy, if that’s your goal.)
Below, I’m sharing more about all sides of intimacy, one of the biggest myths couples carry after becoming parents (sneak peek: it’s the belief that getting “back to normal” should be the goal), and how redefining intimacy can completely change the way you see your relationship.
