The Resentment Trap

What resentment is trying to tell you about your relationship

In my [nonexistent] free time, I’m fighting a crusade to normalize feeling resentment in your partnership after having a baby. I’ve truly never loved my husband the way I do now. Seeing Sebastian as a dad is the most beautifully fulfilling experience. …And I could have [not literally] murdered him when he asked what needed to go in the diaper bag for, what felt like, the hundredth time in the first 4 weeks postpartum. Don’t get me started on the time we left to go to a pediatrician appointment without the diaper bag. We started the resentment conversation a couple weeks ago in this article, but I’ve got some more to say, so thank you for joining me here.

Resentment has a way of sneaking into relationships and building slowly through small moments that feel insignificant on their own, but begin to pile up and bury you overtime. One of the hardest parts of this struggle is the shame that comes with the resentment. The need to share the disclaimer that of course you’re not a miserable shrew who despises the person she just made a baby with, and of course you love your husband… but… There’s always a “but”, and we’re going to hold some space to talk about it, without judgement.

First those little moments that add up…

You load the dishwasher while your partner relaxes on the couch.

You remember to schedule the pediatrician appointment.

You pack the diaper bag.

You buy the birthday gift.

You wake up with the baby.

You answer the daycare email.

You remember that the dog needs more food.

You spent nine months growing a baby only to have surprise major abdominal surgery.

Your nipples are being bit by a fussy, distracted, teething 5 month old who 30 seconds ago wanted nothing other than food, and now that they’re being offered just that, seem to want nothing to do with you.

None of these moments seem particularly important in isolation (ok, yes, those last two do), but over time, they can begin to stack on top of each other until one day you find yourself irritated by something as small as a coffee mug left on the counter.

The mug is not the problem. The resentment that has been building for weeks, months, or sometimes years is the problem. Of course, it’s common to think resentment is evidence that something is wrong with your relationship, but I see it differently.

Resentment is information. Resentment is your mind and body telling you that something important needs attention.

The challenge is that resentment rarely communicates clearly. Instead of saying, “I need more support,” resentment says, “Why am I the only one who does anything around here?” Instead of saying, “I feel overwhelmed,” resentment says, “Must be nice to have time to yourself.” Instead of saying, “I need help,” resentment says, “Forget it. I’ll just do it myself.”

Resentment points toward a need. Where we typically get stuck is that many of us stop at the resentment instead of getting curious about what need exists underneath it.

Keeping Score

One of the clearest signs that resentment has entered the relationship is when we begin keeping score.